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Cupcake in the Abyss

Last night, in the Wednesday Dharma talk, I asked a question, and people laughed while I was asking it.

People generally laugh whenever I speak in public or small group settings and I'm usually confused and fear I am completely unaware of how I'm presenting myself. What's worse is that it's very distracting from what I'm trying to say.

It doesn't help when the Ino makes a comment like, "He knew the answer to that question." and people laugh more.

Dark sarcaaaassaaam, in the classroom?

Because actually, I didn't know the answer to my question, which was about choice, karma, and could be summed up to can we go about practice wrong? I was hoping the answer was no. I don't even remember the answer at this point, but I did hear this: Bow, and do what you need to do, and that was helpful.

Of course I didn't just say, "Hey can we go about practice wrong?" It took me 8 hours, 6 hours of sleep, to get there.

Then this morning, in the Zendo, I felt this rage come up at the Ino. Why did she support this laughter? Why comment at all?

Soon, the rage turned to sadness (like 20 seconds later) and a couple tears fell. Then, a day dream:

At work meeting, I'll make an announcement that I didn't understand what people thought was so funny last night and that I'm trying to practice and I don't waste time asking questions I know the answer to and that I'm sorry for my fuzzy eye of practice. I'm also sorry I stole a chocolate cupcake at 3:30am, from the garden's snacks, to fill this abyss of sadness.

Then I started to giggle on the tan, surrounded by black clad monks, embraced by this warm dim light, and I thought, oh, that's why I'm funny. I'm funny because I really can't help but include the cupcake in everything I say.

I'm sad, I put a cupcake in it. I'm mad, I put a cupcake in it. I'm happy, well, hell, how about a cupcake, cupcake?

So glad I didn't make that announcement at work meeting.

So glad I ate the cupcake.

They should have locked it up, for god's sake.

Comments

  1. Put a cupcake in it or put a bird on it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It is certainly possible to use practice to uphold and perfect your ego. In fact, maybe when that gets hard, and reality is breaking through, is when people drop out.

    ReplyDelete

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