Thursday, September 27, 2012

Cupcake in the Abyss

Last night, in the Wednesday Dharma talk, I asked a question, and people laughed while I was asking it.

People generally laugh whenever I speak in public or small group settings and I'm usually confused and fear I am completely unaware of how I'm presenting myself. What's worse is that it's very distracting from what I'm trying to say.

It doesn't help when the Ino makes a comment like, "He knew the answer to that question." and people laugh more.

Dark sarcaaaassaaam, in the classroom?

Because actually, I didn't know the answer to my question, which was about choice, karma, and could be summed up to can we go about practice wrong? I was hoping the answer was no. I don't even remember the answer at this point, but I did hear this: Bow, and do what you need to do, and that was helpful.

Of course I didn't just say, "Hey can we go about practice wrong?" It took me 8 hours, 6 hours of sleep, to get there.

Then this morning, in the Zendo, I felt this rage come up at the Ino. Why did she support this laughter? Why comment at all?

Soon, the rage turned to sadness (like 20 seconds later) and a couple tears fell. Then, a day dream:

At work meeting, I'll make an announcement that I didn't understand what people thought was so funny last night and that I'm trying to practice and I don't waste time asking questions I know the answer to and that I'm sorry for my fuzzy eye of practice. I'm also sorry I stole a chocolate cupcake at 3:30am, from the garden's snacks, to fill this abyss of sadness.

Then I started to giggle on the tan, surrounded by black clad monks, embraced by this warm dim light, and I thought, oh, that's why I'm funny. I'm funny because I really can't help but include the cupcake in everything I say.

I'm sad, I put a cupcake in it. I'm mad, I put a cupcake in it. I'm happy, well, hell, how about a cupcake, cupcake?

So glad I didn't make that announcement at work meeting.

So glad I ate the cupcake.

They should have locked it up, for god's sake.

2 comments:

  1. Put a cupcake in it or put a bird on it!

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  2. It is certainly possible to use practice to uphold and perfect your ego. In fact, maybe when that gets hard, and reality is breaking through, is when people drop out.

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