Skip to main content

Digging a Trench Across My Heart

The dust of life settles thick! What happened to the writing? What happened to the sitting? What happened?

Getting married, teaching 5th grade, leading Mid City Zen, doing side construction work and I'm desperately searching for "the one who is not busy."

Things happen so fast, it's important I keep up with us. It was a small, wholesome ritual. First the novel stopped. Then the short stories...then the poems...then the journal...then the blog...silenced.

Silence can be good, but I know I've got to say something.

Just so you know how I feel, as I've felt a lot of ways, I feel like having kids, teaching, doing the teacher-ranger-teacher program with the national parks, and just wearing my dark blue rakusu. No more zen priest dreams. No more army dreams. They're just not there anymore. Maybe because I have some good friends who are priests and they want my life while I want theirs. What's the point?

Gez. I feel like doing a survey, just to get up to date with myself.

my name is: My mother calls me Augustino
this morning i was: In bed, reading and drinking coffee
im afraid of: Loosing my teeth
i dream about: Caves and sleeping bags
Have You Ever...
pictured your crush naked?: Nope
been in love: Yup
cried when someone died: Usually takes a year
lied: Not without fessing up
flowers or candy: yes please?
scruff or clean shaven: Scruff
tall or short: Short

With The Opposite Sex...
what do you notice first?: Demeanor
last person you slow danced with: Lulu
worst question to ask: How much money or how much time

makes you laugh the most?: Lulu
makes you smile: My students
gives you a funny feeling when you see them: funny haha or funny rancid?
is easier talk to: boys or girls?: Mostly girls

Do You Ever...
sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you?: No
save AIM conversations?: Yes
wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Nope
cry because of something someone has said: I mist.
pray?: Hmmm...does chanting count?

Have You Ever...
fallen for your best friend?: Nope
rejected someone: Sure
cheated on someone: Nope
been cheated on: Not sure
done something you regretted: Nope
wanted to die: Wow, that's a little forward...yes.

Who Was The Last Person...
you talked to on the phone: My old Dean of students (teacher mentor)
hugged: Lulu
you instant messaged: A Zen priest friend...actually, 2 of them
you laughed with: The old dean!

Do You...
color your hair: nope!
ever get off the computer: Good Question
habla espanol: Si
sprechen sie deutsches: no
fight with your parents: no
have friends you've lost touch with: Sure
feel happy?: Often
wish you could fly away.. far, far away?: Often
believe in God?: Not that guy, but yes, some other kinda...guy.
could you live without the computer?: Yes
what's your favorite candy?: Reeses
whats your favorite fruit?: Avacado?
sunrise or sunset?: Sunrise
what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain? Physical
trust others way too easily?: Nope
are your fingers cold?: Not in this city
coke or pepsi: Coke!


Popular posts from this blog

We Are The Ones Who Can Die

This is me hunting hogs with a semi-automatic weapon. This was a past life( about 8 years ago.)

A lot can change in 8 years.

I grew up around guns. I received my first when I was 10 years old. I went to a high school with a shooting range in the basement, for the high school competitive rifle team. My dad, a career Marine, gave thorough instruction, you better believe. And for most of my life I could take them or leave them. I wasn't into guns like a lot of my friends, but I knew how to shoulder a carbine so the shell didn't eject and hit me in the eye.

That was in Pennsylvania. New Orleans was a completely different scene and the reality of gun violence really hit home (sometimes too literally). I have friends who have been shot in street violence and in combat zones. I have been threatened with a weapon and I have loaded guns with a notion of self defense.

And I used to believe that it was my right to do so.

But today I'm sad and I want to touch that sadness. I lost my …

The Transformation of Ceremony

Ordination Day

I want to say something about the transformational aspect of a ceremony. Like wine to blood, from person to priest, practice enlightenment as transmogrification. Like cucumbers to pickles, surprise! 
I underestimated the ceremony. After pursuing ordination for nine years I had visualized it into nothing. Having junior monks pass me by, then disrobe, then put the robe back on before I even got to wear it once lent a sobering perspective. Imagination dispensed. I sat and stitched and lived practice in a way where oryoki wasn't a treat, Zazen wasn't something I could talk about, and robes started to have gravity- they were not without weight. 
And I think that's the first element of my ceremony: a period of discernment and someone to discern with. In the case of ordination, my teacher, our tanto, and other priests served as mirrors and sounding boards for these two questions: Why do I want to be a priest and what is a priest? It was about as clear as wine tran…

Boredom and Buddhism

To say I feel bored feels disrespectful. How could that be? I have a three month old daughter, I'm training for a demanding job in the temple, I'm a wilderness medic responding to incidents every 4 days or so, and I'm sewing my priest robes for ordination. And I have this sense of disinterest.

I have a few theories as to why I feel bored. One could be the natural come down from having the baby and becoming stable in our schedule. Another come down plays out in the adrenaline crash after responding to a medical emergency or the general up keep work I do at the temple when compared to fixing something crucial to operations. When I hear there's a fire in the area I'm pretty excited to be mobilized for stay and defend duty. I feel pretty guilty about that, too.

So I read Beyond Boredom and Depression by Ajahn Jagaro and I was reminded to be careful about looking outward by this passage:

So what is boredom? It is a subjective experience that occurs when the mind is not i…