Wednesday, February 3, 2010

revelations

It just occurred to me that there might not be anything wrong with me, but perhaps something wrong with the way I try to fit into the world. I've been struggling the past couple of days.

I work a lot, and I work a tough 7 class a day schedule, and some of those classes I'm not qualified to teach, but I teach them anyway. A lot of what I do is about picking up one foot at a time. But sometimes I can't pick a foot up. Sometimes the muscles in my rib cage contract and tighten and I can't breathe or move. I've actually had this happen at work and I've had to leave. I've been doing this for three years in one of the worst school districts in the country.

Immediately, I believe I'm flawed. That's not something new- I've always felt that way. Immediately, I believe I have depression or anxiety or alcoholism. And this perception urges me to cover it up- cover it up with more work, or recently, perhaps joining the Army.

My ego is out of control. It thinks strength looks a certain way, like volunteering for the hardest jobs. But maybe strength is looking at the self and finding where it belongs. Maybe it's to stop trying to be something that I'm not.

My Dad has this great quote- he can't remember where it came from: "What someone says about you is none your business." Don't I know that this is my life? That there's this chance to be human and that I shouldn't pass it up?

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