Monday, January 11, 2010

Honesty

I was thinking about closing this blog and starting something new. Ariel Pork sounds so desperate, so existential- so messed up. I was thinking, "Ariel Pork isn't me."

I had a better idea for what "me" should look like. Let me fes up.

I'm not sitting zazen. I stopped about a month ago. Maybe I sit once a week. I'm a bad Buddhist. 30 whacks if you do, 30 whacks if you don't. But I want to practice. I want a lot of things. My intentions are never lacking. But what good are intentions?

They'll have to be good enough until I get on my feet again, or zafu, if you will. Big life changes. I'm engaged. She's wonderful. Am I?

Trying to be, so ideas come in- how do I be the best me? What is the best me? Why am I 27 and a little confused about that? Very confused. But sitting still. Still teaching. Still...not thinking. Just doing. Movin' on with that which never really moves. That, uh, restlessness. She loves me just the way I am.

There are a few things I felt came naturally to me- writing and sitting. Teaching is something that I love doing, because it's hard, and gives me a reason to get out of my pajamas.

Can't seem to focus. Some activities I want to reclaim- Sitting, and writing, even if it's only this blog, only this nothing of a page.

Feeling too ambitious about some other things- money, for one. Security for another. Want to ignore all that I know. Want to think there is some better way.

Lay practice...I never knew it would be so hard. Smells just like Ariel Pork.

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